My impressions of Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In," Chapter One.

First, some quotes: (page 14) "My generation was raised in an era of increasing equality, a trend we thought would continue. In retrospect, we were naive and idealistic. Integrating professional and personal aspirations proved far more challenging than we had imagined. During the same years that our careers demanded maximum time investment, our biology demanded that we have children. Our partners did not share the housework and child rearing, so we found ourselves with two full-time jobs. The workplace did not evolve to give us the flexibility we needed to fulfill our responsibilities at home. We anticipated none of this. We were caught by surprise.”

(page 16) “Even among highly educated professional men and women, more men than women describe themselves as "ambitious." 

The first quote embodies the problem that I discussed over and over again with my friend Diana when we both had our first children. Things have changed for women over the past two generations. Things have changed dramatically, and thankfully so. We have choices our parents and grandparents could never have imagined. However, the societal norms surrounding those choices have not changed.

Even for women like myself who have an ideal partner, one who changes diapers, bathes the children, reads them stories, cooks, and cleans, you get the picture. Even for us, our new role is society is not clear. Here we are, working hard all day at our own jobs, and instead of having the ability to come home and put our feet up on the coffee table and call for a beer, as the men two generations ago probably did, we have to continue to work. Granted, this is new for men as well, but they get all the praise when they add that child care and house work label to their responsibilities. Women just get the question marks – how do I do this and make sure my kids are well taken care of too? Am I a bad mother because I’m not there all the time like my mom was? We've got the questions, but no one has the answers.


As for the second quote, my boss recently said that he knows I'm ambitious. I had several reactions. I was surprised, I didn't really think that it described me, and I really didn't like it. However, now I'm rethinking it, and wondering if maybe I ought to be proud that that is the way he identified me. I’m ambitious, so what? Even if I didn't realize it, it’s probably a good thing. I take my work seriously and I strive to be good at it. Seems like something that should be rewarded.

And before we leave Chapter One, one more quote: Page 23. “As Ellen Bravo, director of the Family Values @ Work consortium, observed, most ‘women are not thinking about “having it all,” they're worried about losing it all -- their jobs, their children's health, their family's financial stability - because of the regular conflicts that arise between being a good employee and a responsible parent.’

For many men, the fundamental assumption is that they can have both a professional life and a fulfilling personal life. For many women, the assumption is that trying to do both is difficult at best, and impossible at worst. Women are surrounded by headlines and stories warning them that they cannot be committed to both their families and careers. They are told over and over that they have to choose, because if they try to do too much, they'll be harried and unhappy. Framing the issue as "work-life balance" - as If the two we diametrically opposed- practically ensures work will lose out. Who would ever choose work over life?”

This part is interesting and right on the money. It’s exactly the point that Diana Bergen Ripple and I were discussing about ten years ago. In fact, the answer is drawn right from the title of Anne Marie Slaughter’s controversial article – “We Can’t Have it All.” The “all” that women are trying to have is what men used to have and what women used to have. No one has ever had that. What we’re doing now is merging two ways of living that used to be separated by traditional gender roles that have now collapsed. I can’t ask my husband to bring me a beer on the couch when he’s busy helping me get the kids bathed, fed, and ready for dinner.

And we haven’t yet even touched on a huge part that’s missing. Women can work both outside and inside the home with the support of their partners. We’re starting to understand and accept that. However, what about the woman’s time for herself? Men used to work all week, then hang out with the boys or go golfing. So far, “Lean In” hasn't addressed that issue at all. A mom that only works and takes care of her family is a good mom, but they may not be a happy person. Somewhere in this mix, we've got to find the right amount of time for personal fulfillment.

Work-life balance. That’s what I want to find at the end of the day. I’m still hopeful that this book is going to lead me there.