“Lean In,” by Sheryl Sandberg, Chapter Three: “Success and Likeability”

I have always wanted to be liked, but did not think that you could really worry about that in the working world. After reading “Lean In,” Chapter Three, I find I am more confused about whether “being liked” is a positive quality in the working world.

One of my earliest experiences with this question of likeability as an adult was at University. I had a great group of friends, some of whom I hung out with a lot, others of whom I saw regularly, but all of whom I considered friends. I come from the south, and from a family of huggers, so often I would express my affection for my friends by giving them a big hug. In fact, it was an expectation. I thought that hugging was a sign of how much you liked someone. A friend set me straight. He didn’t like hugs. He didn’t want to be hugged every time I saw him, and he told me, “You need to learn when to hug and when not to hug.” He made it clear that we were still friends; that he still liked me; but that he just didn’t want to have to hug me every time he saw me. It wasn’t his thing.

That was a lesson that I took with me to both my professional relationships and my work relationships. Just because something works for me, doesn’t mean it works for everyone. And just because I don’t agree with someone, doesn’t mean we can’t like each other. You’ve got to feel out each situation and each person individually and figure out what works.

Despite the conflicting information in this chapter, I think that’s what Sheryl Sandberg is trying to tell us. We need to be liked in the business world in order to rise, but we have to lead at the same time. And we have to be aware that a woman needs to meet her goals in a way that doesn’t lead to being labeled “uncooperative, arrogant, not a team player.” Unfortunately, according to this chapter, we also have to keep our accomplishments muted, walk the tightrope of likeability, and still be brave enough and have enough faith in our accomplishments to be able to negotiate on a level with our male colleagues.

The Chapter ends on another paradoxical note. Invited to a meeting called the “Most Powerful Women Summit,” Sandberg asked to have the name changed to something more innocuous. Summit organizers explained that they “chose this name on purpose to force women to confront their own power and feel more comfortable with the word.” Sandberg “still struggles with this. I am fine applying the world ‘powerful’ to other women – the more the better – but I still shake my head in denial when it is applied to me. The nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me, as it did in business school, “Don’t flaunt your success, or even let people know about your success. If you do, people won’t like you.”

When her Facebook boss, Mark Zuckerberg, reviewed her performance after six months, he told her that her “desire to be liked by everyone would hold her back. He said that when you want to change things, you can’t please everyone. If you do please everyone, you aren’t making enough progress. Mark was right.”

Mark was, of course, right, but this Chapter undermines its own conclusion. Do we shield others from our accomplishments so that they don’t think us arrogant, or do we push forward so that we “make enough progress” and begin to feel comfortable with women’s power. The Chapter only leaves me with questions.

Looks like I’ll have to figure this particular quandary out myself.