“Lean In,” by Sheryl Sandberg

Chapter 9: "The Myth of Having it All"

I love just about everything about this chapter, starting with the title.  Like many women, I closely followed the discussion Anne Marie Slaughter ignited with her article for The Atlantic, "Why Women Still Can't Have it All."  None of the subsequent discussion summed up my impressions of the subject as much as the title of this chapter.  The idea is ridiculous.  No one can have it all, not women, not men, not celebrities, not politicians.  There will always be something missing.

I want to quote practically every line of this chapter.  I will refrain from doing that, but at the same time, there's a lot that I don't want to paraphrase.  For example, "each of us makes choices constantly between work and family, exercising and relaxing, making time for others and taking time for ourselves."  I have a slight problem with her use of "making" time and "taking" time.  I feel like saying that we make time for others and we take time for ourselves makes the time for ourselves seem negative, while the time for others is positive. 

I agree with the premise that we have to prioritize, make choices, but I always stress with friends when we have this conversation that time for ourselves has to be right up there with other priorities.  I can't be as good as I should for my family or my work if I don't also care for myself.

Working women often compare themselves to others who are not in their same situation.  We compare our work lives with traditional men's careers, and we are comparing our skills at home with traditional stay-at-home mom rules that should probably no longer apply to us. We can't expect to do both as well as those who devote themselves to one or the other full time.  It's not fair, and it will never work.

As an example, Sandberg quotes Gloria Steinem, "You can't do it all.  No one can have two full-time jobs, have perfect children and cook three meals and be multi-orgasmic 'til dawn...  Superwoman is the adversary of the women's movement."

Another principle that Sandberg comes back to time and again in this chapter is "Done is better than perfect." I first came across this thought in 2008, when I worked for a wise man who encouraged me to spend less time worrying, and more time doing.  "Perfect is the enemy of good," he said.  Around the same time, another colleague taught me that an imperfect plan half completed is better than a perfect plan never started."

No one is perfect, just like no one can have it all.  But we can makes decisions about what areas of our life require more of our attention, and spend our time focusing on that, rather than trying to excel at every area.  We are, after all, only human. 

Sandberg then points out that most organizations will take 100% of what you can give if you let them do it. We have to "exert more control over our careers."  If you come in every morning at 7am and leave at 7 pm, you will begin to expect that of yourself, and so will those you work with.  If you,on the other hand, decide to give 100% of yourself to work during work time and then make it a priority to be at home with your family for dinner, you can make that an expectation at your work place.

Why do we do this?  "Mothers don't want to be perceived as less dedicated to their jobs than men or women without family responsibilities.  We overwork to overcompensate.  Even in workplaces that offer reduced or flextime arrangements, people fear that reducing their hours will jeopardize their career prospects." 

Sandberg then quotes a Colin Powell maxim that I would like U.S. government service managers to abide by.  Powell said: "in very senior jobs I've had I've tried to create an environment of professionalism and the very highest standards.  When it was necessary to get a job done, I expected my subordinates to work around the clock.  When that was not necessary, I wanted them to work normal hours, go home at a decent time, play with their kids, enjoy family and friends, read a novel, clear their heads, daydream, and refresh themselves.  I wanted them to to have a life outside the office.  I am paying them for the quality of their work, not for the hours they work." 

I learned something totally new in this chapter, something I suspected, but had no proof to support my theory.  Many of my friends worry that spending less time with our children than our mothers did damages the child, or hinders their development.  I've always told my friends that it's more about our guilt and our needs than it is about the children.  Sandberg quotes studies that draw this conclusion:  "Exclusive maternal care was not related to better or worse outcomes for children.  There is, thus, no reason for mothers to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work."

Working mothers often carry this burden of feeling like they are letting their children down, or worse, harming them, just by spending time away from the children.  For this reason, "guilt management can be just as important as time management for mothers."  There's no easy answer, but by identifying our priorities at home and at work, we are both more productive and more fulfilled as parents.  

The "aim is to have children who are happy and thriving."  I would add that my partner and I should also be happy and thriving.

There's no secret.  Having it all IS a myth.  We just need to do our best with what we have; recognizing and priotizing the most important people and things in our lives.

Photocredit:

Supermom:  http://playtodaydc.com/blog/40

Guilt:  http://www.klce.com/mom-are-you-feeling-more-guilty-lately/