"Lean In" Chapter Six: “Seek and Speak Your Truth”

“Lean In,” by Sheryl Sandberg
Chapter Six:  “Seek and Speak Your Truth”

In this chapter, Sandberg celebrates honest and open communication in the workplace.  While I agree with most of her assertions, I’m not sure that my own institution, the U.S. State Department, is completely ready for such openness.  Let’s take this one point at a time.

Authentic Communication:  This is a very important area, and one that I believe in.  In my own work, I would be remiss if I did not tell my superiors when I think that we are headed down the wrong path.  Our work can influence policy, and if I want our policies to be the best they can be, I have to speak clearly and loudly.  Otherwise I might as well be a rubber stamp that adds no value.

However, sometimes it’s hard to speak up.  We want to protect ourselves, get a good evaluation; not rock the boat; be known as a team player.  But if we don’t speak up, it can lead to all sorts of problems:  “uncomfortable issues that never get addressed, resentment that builds, unfit managers who get promoted rather than fired, and on and on.”

My favorite point in the chapter,” effective communication starts with the understanding that there is my point of view (my truth) and someone else’s point of view.   Rarely is there one absolute truth, so people who believe that they speak the truth are very silencing of others.”

Working in a multicultural environment, this was a given.  I knew that I would have to adjust to many different perspectives and a lot of different cultural realities.  But one thing that it took me a long time to learn is that it’s difficult to hear other people’s truths if you don’t allow for their way of expressing themselves.  I am a fairly fast talker.  Recently I was actually called out on it, in a situation where I had no idea I had been speaking quickly.  Not everyone talks fast.  How will I get to their truth if I don’t slow down enough to allow them time to express it?

Sandberg also makes a point which I thought most of us learned in High School, but which must not be the case.  She suggests using “I statements” rather than “You statements.”  Telling a person “You do this, and I don’t like it” can easily lead to quick and defensive responses.  If you say instead “I feel frustrated …” it helps to diffuse the tension and allows for a discussion.

Solicit input broadly.  All of us can use a little constructive criticism.  As managers, we also need to empower our colleagues to tell us when our way may not be the best way.  We can start by making it clear that we are open to suggestions, and want to be told when there are concerns about our choices, or if we are simply making a mistake.

We should also invite constructive criticism more actively by asking “’How can I do better?’ ‘What am I doing that I don’t know?’ ‘What am I not doing that I don’t see?’”  It’s tough, because no one likes to hear that they’re not perfect.  Sometimes the feedback can even be painful.  “But the upside of painful knowledge is so much greater than the downside of blissful ignorance.”

Then the chapter starts into a bit of a laundry list.  Most of them are fairly self-evident, so I’ll just list them here, and give a general idea of whether I agree or disagree.

1.  Speak openly about weaknesses.  I think that this advice has to be followed with caution.  We are all encouraged to recognize our “areas for improvement” so that we can get increasingly better at what we do.   But in this cut-throat world, being too open about one’s weaknesses can backfire.  I get her point, but I still recommend caution with this one.
2. Thank people publicly for being open and honest.  This is definitely helpful when a colleague steps out on a limb.  But I would also exercise discretion in this area.  As someone who likes to spread around the positive praise, I have to rein myself in from time to time so that I don’t make it seem that my praise isn't worth a lot.  Yes, we should publicly acknowledge helpful feedback, but we should limit that praise to true examples so that our praise has merit.
3. “Humor can be an amazing tool for delivering an honest message in a good-natured way”.  Yes. 
4. “Everyone gets upset at work.  It’s okay.”  I would definitely like to think that.  I enjoy being able to be open with my colleagues.  Sandberg adds “Sharing emotions builds deeper relationships.”  Again, it sounds good.  But it’s not always realistic.  I think that when someone is truly in need, and this is exceptional, most of us will provide support no matter where we are, including in the workplace.  But if I am going through a tough time, a divorce, etc. and my emotions become a constant companion, I don’t know how many people will be tolerant of repeated breakdowns, and I don’t even know whether it’s appropriate to expect them to do so. 

There are colleagues in my life who have provided emotional support and a shoulder to cry on, as well as my favorite, a place to vent frustration and anger, but they are rare.  They are special, and they are trusted.  I just don’t think that we can expect the modern workplace to be accepting of “emotion” on an every-day, every moment basis.  It’s a profession, there still needs to be some professionalism about it.

I do agree with one of Sandberg’s conclusions.  “Leaders should strive for authenticity over perfection.”  However, I don’t think that “speaking the truth” has to or should include “shedding tears in the workplace … no longer viewed as embarrassing or weak.”  To me tears, compassion, sensitivity, and honest communication are four different things, with their own pros and cons.  They should be approached as such.

Compassion, sensitivity and honest communication are musts in the modern workplace.  Tears are still meant to be private.  I wish that she had focused on the first three.

Photo Credits:

Speak the Truth, Even if Your Voice Shakes:  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Your-Voice-Matters/225330570831788

Authentic Communication at Work:  smalltalkbigresults.wordpress.com

We Keep Looking for Perfection, Walking Right Past Authenticity:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/elgamar/